The inner critic in change management: when 'soft' skills prove hardest

Have you ever caught yourself criticising yourself for being too harsh on yourself?

Here's an under-the-hood look at how a therapist, or a coach with the right psychological training, might be able to help you with your annoyingly tenacious and self-propagating inner critic.

This insight can serve as a good reminder that organisational 'soft' skills – such as dealing with your own self-talk and others' behaviours – can be some of the hardest 'engineering' tasks you might have at hand when it comes to change management.

Inner critic: that persistent internal dialogue we all know too well.

This internal voice, often unrelenting in its judgement, is as ubiquitous as it is challenging. It's a constant presence, analysing our actions and decisions, often with a harsh and undermining tone.

For all its harshness, this critic is best not treated as an enemy to be vanquished. In fact – like a troubled person – it yearns for your attention, understanding, transformation and integration.

The inner critic often manifests in complex behavioural patterns that might seem unrelated on the surface:

• The outwardly efficient individual who experiences periodic low moods or burnout may be grappling with harsh self-judgment beneath their productive facade.

• The apparent people-pleaser who oscillates between selflessness and unexpected rebellion might be responding to an internal, critical voice.

• Those who consistently project confidence, taking charge and appearing to have everything under control, may be compensating for deep-seated self-doubt.

• Conversely, individuals struggling with disorganisation or over-dependence in relationships might be responding to a belief in their fundamental inadequacy.

• The person striving for perfection across all life roles - the ideal employee, partner, parent - may eventually face collapse under the weight of unsustainable standards.

A truly annoying character living in us: relentless self-depreciation, extreme harshness, obsession about past and future, eliciting negative feelings

What is referred to by psychotherapists as the ‘inner critic’, is a concept similar to the Freudian superego or the critical parent in Transactional Analysis. This internal voice participates in a dynamic of self-criticism, manifesting through negative self-talk, self-deprecating thoughts and negative feelings.

Interestingly, the inner critic often surpasses the harshness of any external critic we've encountered in our external lives. It also has a tendency of fixating on past mistakes or future anxieties, eroding self-esteem with relentless efficiency.

What’s the secret key to transforming your harsh thoughts?

Addressing the inner critic is a nuanced process, requiring flexibility and personalisation.

There are many schools of psychotherapy: I mostly draw from the psychodynamic, humanistic-experiential, and existential approaches, as well as my own psychotherapy and coaching practice. Here's a sketched out framework for transformation:

• An indispensable first step is for you to identify and get to know your inner critic

• By getting to know this part of yourself, you are creating a certain distance between yourself (other parts of yourself) and the inner critic

• Coming to a real understanding that the inner critic is indeed a part of yourself — but not the whole of you

• Engaging in a dialogue with the inner critic and getting to know it more deeply, showing empathy towards it and attuning to it

• Exploring parts that have been suppressed by the critic, as well as the critic’s underlying fears and concerns

• Finally, integrating the various self-aspects and assisting to the (former) critic becoming a more adaptive self-aspect

Some of the techniques that can be used in this process are visualization exercises or the two-chair dialogue. This process is very difficult, delicate and highly complex. Most people cannot go through it without the skilled help of a professional.

According to some authors, a more open, explorative, gentle and accepting approach is more effective when the critic is intense and stubborn, while with milder manifestations of the inner critic, distancing or attention-shifting can also work.

Bonus: an Innovative idea: try AI as a tool for self-dialogue

Consider this unconventional idea: using artificial intelligence to externalise your inner critic. By training an AI agent to embody this critical voice, you can create a unique opportunity for self-dialogue and insight.

————

Sources and further reading:

Weiser Cornell, A. (2005). Radical gentleness: The inner critic transforms. In The radical acceptance of everything: Living a focusing life (pp. 109–125). Berkeley, CA: Calluna Press.

Müller, D. (1995). Dealing with self-criticism: The critic within us and the criticized one. The Folio: Journal for Focusing and Experiential Psychotherapy, 23(3), 151–165.

Hinterkopf, E. (Ed.) (1998). Focusing and the inner critic. In Integrating spirituality in counseling: A manual for using the experiential focusing method (pp. 41–50). Ross-on-Wye: PCCS Books.

McGavin, B. (2002). Transforming our Inner Critics: the Power of Presence. Self and Society.

Stinckens, N., Lietaer, G., & Leijssen, M. (2013). Working with the inner critic: Process features and pathways to change. Person-Centered & Experiential Psychotherapies, 12(1), 59–78, DOI: 10.1080/14779757.2013.767747

Stinckens, N., Lietaer, G., & Leijssen, M. (2013). Working with the inner critic: Therapeutic approach. Person-Centered & Experiential Psychotherapies, 12(2), 141–156, DOI: 10.1080/14779757.2013.767751

Vahrenkamp, S and Behr, M. (2002). The Dialog with the Inner Critic: From a pluralistic self to client-centered and experiential work with partial egos. Person-Centered and Experiential Psychotherapies, 3, 228-244.