The inner critic in change management: when 'soft' skills prove hardest
Have you ever caught yourself criticising yourself for being too harsh on yourself?
Here's an under-the-hood look at how a therapist, or a coach with the right psychological training, might be able to help you with your annoyingly tenacious and self-propagating inner critic.
This insight can serve as a good reminder that organisational 'soft' skills – such as dealing with your own self-talk and others' behaviours – can be some of the hardest 'engineering' tasks you might have at hand when it comes to change management.
Inner critic: that persistent internal dialogue we all know too well.
This internal voice, often unrelenting in its judgement, is as ubiquitous as it is challenging. It's a constant presence, analysing our actions and decisions, often with a harsh and undermining tone.
For all its harshness, this critic is best not treated as an enemy to be vanquished. In fact – like a troubled person – it yearns for your attention, understanding, transformation and integration.
The inner critic often manifests in complex behavioural patterns that might seem unrelated on the surface:
The outwardly efficient individual who experiences periodic low moods or burnout may be grappling with harsh self-judgment beneath their productive facade.
The apparent people-pleaser who oscillates between selflessness and unexpected rebellion might be responding to an internal, critical voice.
Those who consistently project confidence, taking charge and appearing to have everything under control, may be compensating for deep-seated self-doubt.
Conversely, individuals struggling with disorganisation or over-dependence in relationships might be responding to a belief in their fundamental inadequacy.
The person striving for perfection across all life roles - the ideal employee, partner, parent - may eventually face collapse under the weight of unsustainable standards.
A truly annoying character living in us: relentless self-depreciation, extreme harshness, obsession about past and future, eliciting negative feelings
What is referred to by psychotherapists as the ‘inner critic’, is a concept similar to the Freudian superego or the critical parent in Transactional Analysis. This internal voice participates in a dynamic of self-criticism, manifesting through negative self-talk, self-deprecating thoughts and negative feelings.
Interestingly, the inner critic often surpasses the harshness of any external critic we've encountered in our external lives. It also has a tendency of fixating on past mistakes or future anxieties, eroding self-esteem with relentless efficiency.
What’s the secret key to transforming your harsh thoughts?
Addressing the inner critic is a nuanced process, requiring flexibility and personalisation.
There are many schools of psychotherapy: I mostly draw from the psychodynamic, humanistic-experiential, and existential approaches, as well as my own psychotherapy and coaching practice. Here's a sketched out framework for transformation:
An indispensable first step is for you to identify and get to know your inner critic
By getting to know this part of yourself, you are creating a certain distance between yourself (other parts of yourself) and the inner critic
Coming to a real understanding that the inner critic is indeed a part of yourself — but not the whole of you
Engaging in a dialogue with the inner critic and getting to know it more deeply, showing empathy towards it and attuning to it
Exploring parts that have been suppressed by the critic, as well as the critic’s underlying fears and concerns
Finally, integrating the various self-aspects and assisting to the (former) critic becoming a more adaptive self-aspect
Some of the techniques that can be used in this process are visualization exercises or the two-chair dialogue. This process is very difficult, delicate and highly complex. Most people cannot go through it without the skilled help of a professional.
According to some authors, a more open, explorative, gentle and accepting approach is more effective when the critic is intense and stubborn, while with milder manifestations of the inner critic, distancing or attention-shifting can also work.
Bonus: an Innovative idea: try AI as a tool for self-dialogue
Consider this unconventional idea: using artificial intelligence to externalise your inner critic. By training an AI agent to embody this critical voice, you can create a unique opportunity for self-dialogue and insight.
————
Sources and further reading:
Weiser Cornell, A. (2005). Radical gentleness: The inner critic transforms. In The radical acceptance of everything: Living a focusing life (pp. 109–125). Berkeley, CA: Calluna Press.
Müller, D. (1995). Dealing with self-criticism: The critic within us and the criticized one. The Folio: Journal for Focusing and Experiential Psychotherapy, 23(3), 151–165.
Hinterkopf, E. (Ed.) (1998). Focusing and the inner critic. In Integrating spirituality in counseling: A manual for using the experiential focusing method (pp. 41–50). Ross-on-Wye: PCCS Books.
McGavin, B. (2002). Transforming our Inner Critics: the Power of Presence. Self and Society.
Stinckens, N., Lietaer, G., & Leijssen, M. (2013). Working with the inner critic: Process features and pathways to change. Person-Centered & Experiential Psychotherapies, 12(1), 59–78, DOI: 10.1080/14779757.2013.767747
Stinckens, N., Lietaer, G., & Leijssen, M. (2013). Working with the inner critic: Therapeutic approach. Person-Centered & Experiential Psychotherapies, 12(2), 141–156, DOI: 10.1080/14779757.2013.767751
Vahrenkamp, S and Behr, M. (2002). The Dialog with the Inner Critic: From a pluralistic self to client-centered and experiential work with partial egos. Person-Centered and Experiential Psychotherapies, 3, 228-244.